Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
