I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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