sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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