i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
