theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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