i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
