how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
