I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
