I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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