Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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