She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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