i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
