id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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