Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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