I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
