whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
