My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
