Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Randomize
