I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up under a house in Key West
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
