i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
