Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
