i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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