oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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