I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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