I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
try to milk me bitch
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
