I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
