dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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