I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
