i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
