please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
