if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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