I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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