Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize