hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
