I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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