When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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