the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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