it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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