My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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