my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
