Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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