Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
