Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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