why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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