Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
