It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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