Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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