I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
