meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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