Where is the hickey?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
