Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
