ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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