We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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