We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just want to make out with him forever
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
