I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
