I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
