it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
