Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
