Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
