Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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