Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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