Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
