can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
