There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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