you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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